


#MeToo

by brightsparx



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-01-20 01:47:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12422496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightsparx/pseuds/brightsparx
Summary: Amanda is finding the nightmares, and the after-effects of what Patton did to her, have come back with a surprising intensity.........she can't quite put her finger on the reason, but whatever it is, she is finding it hard. Luckily for her, her partner makes the connection for her......





	1. #MeToo

What makes us who we are?

Is it nature or nurture?

Is the basis of who we are coded into our genes?

Is it beyond our control, like the color of our eyes, or hair? Or is something that we command, by the choices we make, by what we chose to care about? Or do our experiences constantly mold who, and what, we are, changing and shaping us by the things that happen to us; the things we cannot control; the horrors foisted on us; and the joys we welcome..........

On good days I consider myself _“strong”_........like my colleagues, my _friends_ , assure me I am.

It always feels like the word _“tenacious”_ works.......whether it is positive or not, **that** , I’m not sure........It’s a word first used to “politely” describe a very willful younger version of me, in a school report, by a slightly exasperated teacher. I remember curiously looking it up, scowling at the explanation, and vowing to exact some sort of revenge on the woman who dared paint me as such. But I’ve long ago latched onto its truth, claiming the once barely veiled insult, as a personal truth: I’m stubborn and persistent, dogged in always pushing forward......no matter what life throws at me.

But on nights like this.......when the past, **my** past, lies heavy on me, the only word that feels faithful to who I am is **_“broken”_**.......

I feel like a fraud, a hypocrite, who spends her days promising hurt men and women that one thing doesn't change who they are......that they are not permanently damaged and broken...........that things **will** get better......

Thumping the pillow angrily, I once again, try to find a position that is comfortable enough to finally get some sleep.

Although after a quick glance at the taunting clock, I find it is hardly worth the effort at this point! It is so close to morning, to the alarm dragging me up, that I can see the beginnings of daylight creeping in through the curtains.

I want to cry at how exhausted I am.......but still there is no escape. Not even a brief snooze to soothe the demands of my mind and body. 

My eyes itch, the lids lightly burning from tiredness, but despite a very comfortable bed, a brand new, fluffy, cloudlike, pillow under my head, and carefully abiding by all the suggestions that guarantee _“a better night’s sleep”,_ I’m still looking at the ceiling in teary frustration. 

 _“Well, not quite **all** the suggestions for peaceful slumber!”,_ I remind myself quickly, glancing at the small LED lamp clipped onto the headboard of my bed. The soft, yellow pool of light on the white ceiling above me seemed a better solution than the flickering light from the TV that was my constant bed mate for so long.

Although I’m pretty sure that by now, I’ve completely disproved the theory that electronic “blue-light” causes sleep disturbance!!! For so long **it** was what finally lulled me to sleep....... 

I chew my lip in frustration, angry at myself, and ashamed, that I still need a “night light” of sorts to sleep....... I should be over **it** by now! 

Night Terrors...........

Nightmares............

Such innocuous words..........

Terms all too often applied to childish sleep disturbances fuelled by monsters and imagined beasties hiding under the bed, or in the closet........It hardly seems right to use them in reference to a grown woman.

I’m not sure if it can even be called a nightmare when sleep hasn't claimed me, before the “ _terrors”_ begin.

As the fledgling light of a new day steals around the blinds, I can only stare at my bedroom door, swallowing the panic that grips me every time I consider my beautiful baby..........

How do I protect her from all the horrors out there?

When I can't even protect myself........When I can't even recognize the danger a simple task such as “work” can bring........... 

The reminder that my instincts have failed me time and time again......is debilitating.

The instant, involuntary, **knowledge** – because there was never any doubt in me, that William Lewis was a true monster, brought me great guilt in the immediate aftermath of his horrific attack against Liv; I was the one who “ _just knew”_ there was something..... “ _wrong”._ If I had never insisted we work a case that wasn’t ours; if I had swallowed down that bitter gut feeling, I could have prevented the meeting that would ignite the obsession that nearly killed my friend.......... 

But even as I battled my guilt, there was a tiny spark of relief.

**I saw the monster!**

I was not fooled........not again......I had learned my lesson........

Patton’s true nature, had somehow remained hidden behind a veil of my denial, even after I had fled Atlanta; even when the sound of his voice jarred forward memories that made me tremble in a room full of cops, I couldn't truly understand his monstrousness.......I still saw his actions as partly my fault. I still believed that I put myself in a bad position.......that he merely took advantage of my bad decision......I was worried for **myself.**......it never really seemed possible he would hurt anyone else........ **How wrong I was!**

**Am I only ever going to be someone’s _victim_...... **

**Was it coded into my DNA that I would allow myself to fall prey to _him_?**

But then, I managed to convince myself **that** woman wasn't the _‘new Amanda’_! That was the _‘old Amanda’_......the woman who didn't recognize the predator who wore a uniform of respectability........ **he** was part of my past, it was my past self that my fear called forward.........The woman I had become, was much more worldly, much less naïve......I could now recognize a predator in a matter of moments! 

But I can’t.

None of us can........because we had another monster hiding in plain sight......

He was one of us.

We didn't like him. I’m not even sure we really respected him. He was the Deputy Commissioner; an obstacle; a typical _“suit”_ with little understanding of anything other than the politics of a situation.........but **that**????!!! **Never!**

I still feel sick when I think back on the whole situation!!

He was right under our noses.

The thought of those two kids; his two kids........how could a man with kids?.......I don't think I will ever be able to forget........

The moment when I saw Hank Abraham, the Deputy Police Commissioner, guiltily switching out of his browser on that laptop, in the middle of a child porn sting, when we burst in...... **I knew**. I knew in that moment what he was.....it was all so clear......how had none of us seen any hint of the monster?

But I’m a trained cop; an SVU cop; and I’ve not only fallen **victim** to my predatory boss, but also missed the pedophilic monstrosity that was in front of me; how can I begin to believe I will be able protect my baby......?????

**I can't trust my judgment.**

**Was Hank Abraham always the monster he finally showed? Was it somehow an unavoidable part of who he was?**

I roll over again, allowing the tears to be soaked into my pillow.

I know, all too well, as an SVU cop; that a survivor’s healing journey often involves times when it feels like all the hard won progress is undone by some tiny stumble..... a nightmare; a face in a crowd that, for a moment, is the “ **him”** who brought us this pain; a sound or a smell, that brings it all crashing down again.

But I don't feel like I’ve ever gotten past it.......not really.

Liv was right, she told me I had _“pushed it down”_ that I was _“stuck”_ before it all came back to bite me, in my new life. After I was forced to confront **him** and my situation, I started to heal.......the people around me were more supportive than I could ever have hoped for. My colleagues, my **friends** , were truly incredible. Everyone was so understanding, so sympathetic, and so **empathetic**. They treated me as an equal but yet made sure I knew how upset they were, and how angry they were, at **him**. They never questioned me, or my account.........they **believed** me. They tried to tell me that **he** was the one who bore all responsibility, that I was in no way at fault........ 

I can now say the words...... **Patton raped me**. They don't come easily but I recognize their truth. It is what happened.

I understand now, that a man, who is not a predator, does not try to use his position as Patton did; a man who is not a rapist does not force a woman into sex; a ‘good’ man doesn't use any force; emotional, or physical, to obtain sex. I now understand that Patton is a manipulative, violent, rapist.

I can see the huge strides forward I have made, with so much help.....but my pregnancy was hard, and working SVU with a young baby is exhausting. Maybe its all the hormones, the heightened emotions......but I’m struggling.

I feel so weak! Like I took the help and support my friends offered.......but it was all wasted.

There’s no reason for all this to be so...... so.......”current”, “strong”, “debilitating”......again......

A myriad of words spring to mind but I can’t find the one I seek to finish that sentence.....the word that doesn't weaken me even further, the term that explains why my hurt, that should be long healed, is almost as raw as it first was.........

_“Jeez Amanda......get it together! For once don't be weak......”_

I offer the words up like a prayer .......and admit defeat, dragging my exhausted body out of bed.

A long, hot, shower helps a little. I feel slightly more human. I take the extra time I have this morning, to try and feed myself better than I usually would, oatmeal with berries......a fresh, homemade smoothie........coffee. Only the nutrients I force myself to consume will fuel me through the day.

With the pressure of already running late, lifted from me, I enjoy my morning routine with Jesse. Luxuriating in every bite, every coo, and every look my little girl shares.

I feel that familiar tug at my heart when I drop her off at crèche.....am I doing the right thing? Should I be entrusting my baby girl’s formative years to anyone but myself? Is she safe?? But if I were to stay home with her, could we live? How would I pay bills? Would I be bored? 

I swallow down the guilt at that.

What kind of mother is bored with her own infant?

I paste a smile on my face when I reach the precinct, refusing to allow my weakness to show.

 _“Morning!”_ my partner offers, with a look that seems to crash through my carefully constructed façade.

_“Morning Fin. Coffee?”_

He gratefully accepts the coffee, taking the opportunity to bemoan how bad the squad room coffee is, but how it has taken a turn for the better since Munch retired......

 _“How was it possible to make coffee **that** bad?” _ he chuckles.

It’s a regular discussion.....even after all this time, we both still miss the old man......and his appalling coffee is an easy way to remember him, without ever having to pretend his loss is keenly felt.

 _“Jesse have a bad night?’_ Fin asks leaning back in his chair.

I try to just shrug my shoulders, hoping he leaves it alone. 

He watches carefully as I studiously flick through the reports on my desk. I hear a soft sigh before he starts to speak softly...

_“Manda, we spend too many hours a day together.........”_

I swallow back the lump in my throat, and nod, pushing the almost unseen reports back.

He stops talking. I’m not sure if he is waiting for me to fill in the silence........I wish I could. He has been so good to me. Always willing to start the hard conversations.... but my mouth just opens and closes a couple of times in lieu of the words he is trying to prompt........

 _“.......I don't have to be the great detective I clearly am...”_ he pauses with a broad smile, trying to lighten whatever is to follow.... _“......to recognize how hard the current headlines must be for you............”_

I struggle not to let my surprise show! Dammit, the man has to be a mind reader, how did he know I am struggling......?

_“I’m not trying to get all up in your business.....’Manda. Hell, you’re more than capable of looking after yourself.......I just wanted to let you know.......I’m here......”_

I force my best smile onto my reluctant face, knowing it looks halfhearted at best......

 _“Thanks Fin!”_ I mutter, never quite able to stifle the southern manners that were almost beaten into me as a child, when under pressure...... 

He just nods his head and goes back to work, allowing me the privacy to process his offer without the pressure of expectation.

It’s not hard to make the leap.........Hank Abrahams.........Patton........even William Lewis......... they are haunting me so much at the moment because of a “hashtag”, a social media campaign, started by a celebrity scandal..........a tiny gesture of solidarity and support that has become a global avalanche....

 

**#MeToo**

It’s written in bold, permanent ink on my soul......but is it still too much of a secret? Should I be standing up too, like so many brave women?

Have **I** contributed to the deafening silence that has, up to now, helped create this problem??

How had I not realized the correlation between my sleepless nights, the resurgence of vivid nightmares, struggles I thought were long behind me, and hourly news broadcasts detailing the evolution of a mogul’s downfall? Even between the hourly updates it is impossible to avoid the famous faces admitting to their own experiences with harassment, assault and abuse screaming from every electronic device and publication. 

It is a huge advancement.......a discussion that has needed to be opened for too long..........but it also has a cost........

The solidarity of the avalanche of stories posted under the hashtag, were at once a relief........maybe shame would finally be banished if the silence is truly broken.....and an agony.......how could so many women continue to suffer such horrors?

And after all my years as an SVU detective, and my team’s work, past and present, how is this horror still such a pervasive part of life?


	2. #NoMore

" _I'm not sleeping"_...the words come out in whisper, their distinct meaning cannot hope to reach their intended recipient...but yet my partner raises his head, recognizing the attempt at communicating...

He pulls his chair into the desk, reducing the distance my next words will need to travel, but carefully not crowding me, not heaping more pressure on me...

" _I couldn't sleep..."_ I push the confession out breathily.

He just nods softly...

" _How did you know?"_ I know there are many more important things I should be saying, but I need to know what gave me away...

He shrugs a little, almost throwing off the question... but I want...no, I need an answer, so I reluctantly make myself even more vulnerable, to a man I know I can trust... " _ **I**  didn't realize..."_

His eyebrows raise slightly at this, but as he sees its truth...  _"I guess I was on the look out...and every time you were confronted with a news broadcast, another accusation...you'd just disconnect...it was never as obvious as turning off the radio in the car, but you would talk over it...or pull out your phone...or find something 'fascinating' to watch out the window..."_

I open my mouth to tell him that could have been coincidence, but he seems to know what I was about to say...

" _..._ _ **everytime**_ _Amanda!"_

I nod guiltily...I'm not sure why I felt the need to try and defend myself by disputing his observation, when he is right... but it so hard to admit the truth I am only processing for myself now...

" _It's...This is not...Shit Fin! This has nothing to do with me! It's not in my backyard! It's not like Patton, or Lewis...it doesn't directly affect me! Hell, it's not even like discovering there's a pedophile working alongside you!"_

 **Shit!**  My frustration overrode my mouth...but before I can consider laughing it off or trying to backtrack...

" _But that's why it's so hard 'Manda..._ _ **because**_ _of Patton..._ _ **because**_ _of Lewis..._ _ **because**_ _of Abrahams..."_

" _Isn't it?"_ he posits quietly,  _"a man in a position of power...a serial offender who seemed to escape consequences of his actions over and over...a monster who seemed to have been hiding in plain sight..."_

**Duh! Ok, now I can see it...how stupid can you be Amanda!?**

I'm embarrassed, and still frustrated...like a piece of the puzzle is still missing...so once again my mouth engages without consulting me...

" _Yeah but it's not like Patton is it? Cos_ _ **she**_ _had the balls to do something about it!"_

I don't know when my heart started racing or my breath started to come in labored gasps...

**This man is my friend!**

I hadn't connected the resurgence of so many of my previous "symptoms" to the scandal, but I wasn't clueless to it having an effect on me...maybe my state of exhaustion helps but I can't keep my walls up any longer...

" _It's the #MeToo..."_

His forehead scrunches in surprise, but he says nothing...

" _God...finally...maybe if so many people come forward publicly...things will change..."_

I'm not speaking clearly, none of my complex thoughts have been translated fully into language, but he seems to understand what I'm trying to say, nodding encouragingly...

" _...Patton...raped me...and I can say it now...I even understand it! I didn't put myself in a bad situation...well actually I_ _ **did**_ _. But that doesn't matter, I didn't ..."_ I take a big deep breath, looking my friend in the eye... "... _it wasn't my fault!"_

He smiles broadly at me, reaching out to pat my arm...

" _...and I'd like to be one of the women out there...openly telling my...my story...but I can't...and it's not because I want the silence to continue...or that I want people to be ashamed...I just... **I can't**..."_

" _That's ok Amanda...you don't have to..."_ he waits until I look him in the eye again...  _"Not everyone_ _is ready to make a public declaration...Not everyone_ _ **can**_ _do it...and you work here everyday, helping to lift the stigma and shame, you help every victim to break the silence...and_ _ **you**_ _broke the silence!"_

" _It doesn't feel like enough though...it feels like I should be more...more vocal...more visible...a better example...like Liv..."_

He looks at me carefully, almost as if he is reading my thoughts...

" _You say Liv is more 'vocal'...she fights for our victims tooth and nail...but she doesn't wear her experiences on her chest...her case was splashed all over the news, all over the papers but she very seldom references her own experiences...even with us...I think it's something very private...I can understand that you feel pressured to add your story to the chorus of voices, but that's not the only way to make a difference..."_

There's a moment of quiet as we both consider...

Before we can say anymore, Liv comes out of her office with a scowling Barba in tow...

" _Where's Carisi?"_ she asks, when a quick scan of the office yields no sign.

" _Sorry I'm late Lieu..."_  an out of breath, and rather harried Sonny announces, as he hustles into the squad room just in time...

Fin can't help a chuckle... _"Were you just waiting out there for your cue?"_

Sonny looks back baffled, as we are treated to a Barba eye roll and a long-suffering sigh from Liv, as she leads us all over to the briefing screen.

" _This is a waste of time, we just deal with cases as they come to us..."_ Barba grumbles as Liv picks up the remote...

" _As I'm sure everyone is **very**  aware..." _she starts with a pointed glare at Barba... " _there is currently a lot of media interest in accusations of a wide variety of sexual offences against a Hollywood producer...and a growing list of celebrities..."_

" _Have_ _ **we**_ _got accusations Lieu?"_ Carisi interjects quickly...but Liv just shakes her head in answer...

" _A social media campaign was kick-started by the scandal breaking and #MeToo is now trending internationally with many regional variations...1PP anticipate an increase in reports of sexual crimes across the board, as people gain the confidence to come forward..."_

I don't look in his direction, but I can feel Fin surreptitiously watching me.

Barba is still scowling, only silenced from voicing his displeasure at the 'unnecessary briefing', by the frequent glares Liv is shooting at him.

" _More people coming forward can only be a good thing!"_ Carisi announces excitedly, a flash of his youthful exuberance once more showing...  _"Isn't it?"_ he adds when his exclamation isn't greeted with the delight he expected.

" _It_ _ **is**_ _good...but a lot of the reports will be for crimes committed months and_ _ **years**_ _ago..."_ Fin explains grudgingly...

" _The statute of limitations..."_ Carisi finishes dejectedly...the realisation of the situation crashing down on him...

" _And evidence may be degraded or unavailable entirely..."_ Barba adds... _"Which makes trying the cases difficult or even impossible..."_

The group is now quiet, as we all consider having to essentially turn away victims...

" _We may not be able to help every person find justice..."_ Liv continues  _"...but that doesn't mean there is nothing we can do...we can put them in touch with resources that can help them deal with everything they are feeling, and we can always help by just listening and validating their experience as_ _ **wrong**_ _...It is amazing how much value even that simple gesture has...so don't underestimate it."_

We all nod our understanding. We have seen, time and time again, how much it means to the men and women who come to us, to be told it was not their fault...

" _So it's like when a popular show does a sexual assault storyline, we expect a spike in people reaching out..."_ Carisi mutters...

" _Hopefully it's not so short lived..."_ Fin adds quickly.

" _If 1PP had suggestions about how to make sure it's_ _ **not**_ _a temporary thing...well, that's a briefing that would be worth while!"_ Barba adds.

Liv scowls back at Barba. This is apparently something that has been long discussed between the ADA and Lieutenant.

" _And it is also very important to make clear notes and record every accusation to ensure that we can identify names that are repeated...patterns...all the things that can stop escalations...or even to possibly strengthen pending, or future cases..."_ Liv finishes.

" _Cos these dirtballs are never on their first crime..."_ Fin echoes with a scrunched brow, his thoughts no doubt wandering through his years in this unit.

There is a moment of silence as we all ponder this statement...

" _I've been reading some of the stories people have posted Lieu...there are some that clearly name attackers...it's frustrating that the law hasn't caught up with technology..."_ Carisi says,  _"My law school head wants to rave about everyone being "innocent until proven guilty" about how every accused person is entitled to the protection of the law...and then my heart wants to see a man who can do something like that named, to protect the public and to feel some sort of consequence..."_

This time it's our ADA who nods eagerly.

" _And therein lies one of our problems, Carisi...mob justice very seldom actually yields any justice..."_

Liv dismisses us back to our current cases as her phone summons her once more. She can be heard trying to placate Dodds, assuring him that we will, indeed, be ready to deal with the new allegations that are expected...

" _Amanda! Can I speak to you for a moment?"_ Barba asks softly.

I nod, wondering what I've done  **this**  time...

When Fin leaves he closes the door behind him and Barba drops into a chair.

" _How are you?"_ he asks with a calculating look.

" _Fine..."_ I hastily respond.

He begins to roll his eyes and tries to stop himself... _"Really!? Amanda, how are you?"_ he says in a voice that is miles from the man who can hold a courtroom completely rapt.  _"Because...I'm not_ _ **fine**_ _...and I haven't been through what you have..."_

The words are wholly unexpected and completely shock me.

" _I'm shocked...appalled...I wasn't naive...even before coming to work in SVU...and some of the things we see..._ _ **Well**_ _..."_

His voice quivers slightly, on anyone else it would be almost imperceptible but it feels like he is trying to lower his defenses for me...to show me he is not unaffected...

" _This...scandal...is making me rethink everything...I like to think I'm a thoughtful man...that I am aware of my own "blind spots" ...and can recognize when I am unfair, or showing some sort of unintended bias. I would like to believe I know the difference between right and wrong...especially on this subject...but I'm overthinking every gesture...I worry if, perhaps, a hand placed on a colleague's shoulder which was meant as comforting, was in fact, felt to be inappropriate..."_

I can see that he means what he is saying... and once more my mouth opens with no contact from my brain...

" _And yet the guys that should be thinking about it, are the ones who have disregarded everything as 'hysterical women raving about nothing'..."_

He takes a deep breath...but my mouth is not finished yet. The truths I was loathe to share with my partner start to roll off my tongue...

" _I'm not sleeping...it all feels so 'new' again...like when **it**  happened...or when Patton..."_

The unintended monologue grinds to a halt, I want to say  _"when Patton_ _ **raped**_ _Reese Taymore"_ , but the word  _"raped"_ is stuck somewhere deep inside me...

" _That's what I mean...I can't say the word...I've learned to own it, and again it's ...just gone..."_

Even  **I**  can hear the distress in my own voice.

I'm sure that the man before me begins to reach out, to make some sort of comforting, or understanding gesture...but seems to rethink the contact...and he fidgets self-consciously for a moment...his hands splaying in a sort of  _"see what I mean too...?!."_  gesture.

Oddly it is the most human of gestures, from a most unlikely source, that allows the thoughts that I couldn't give voice to a way out...

" _I was terrified that's_ _ **all**_ _I would ever see from y'all...that discomfort...that unease..._ _ **after**_ _the truth about Patton started to come out..._ _But you didn't make me feel like that..._

 _I'm not saying_ _**I** _ _didn't feel awkward, but none of you made me feel...weak._ _**I** _ _felt that way...that I was weak...for_ _**letting** _ _him...for_ _**not** _ _...but you were all so understanding..._

_I've always thought a lot about what I would like to say to you...but...I didn't know how to go about it..."_

I shuffle a little, looking down at my feet, already deep into unfamiliar territory...Barba was the one that first heard the words escape my lips, and our relationship noticeably softened afterwards, but we don't speak like  **this**! I cannot however, let this opportunity to thank him, pass by...

" _Barba, you were great... I didn't feel like I lost your...respect...but I didn't have much respect for_ _ **myself**_ _..._

_And now I feel so vulnerable all over again..._

_I worry the southern 'darlin' that once came so naturally to my tongue, could now be grounds for a disciplinary hearing...  
_ _I'm terrified to admit that some of the complaints of inappropriate comments or even behavior...I don't think **I**  would have...I mean I don't know all the circumstances...and it is of course a very personal thing... "_

I know I'm rambling now, terrified that I'm saying something horribly inappropriate myself...so I take a deep breath and look at the man before me...

" _...I guess I just worry that we don't all see things the same way...for me, it depends on who is saying something...like Fin occasionally calling me 'Baby', I've no problem...but some guy in a store doing it...but then again, it might depend on **how**  he says it? And if I'm not sure what would be inappropriate to me, how can anyone else know what they can and cannot say?"_

He nods thoughtfully...

" _It's brilliant the conversation has been started...and hopefully we are run ragged investigating bad guys...that no one is afraid to report...that we can get justice for people...  
_

_The MeToo campaign is amazing...it's only because there are so many people speaking that it has so much power...but so many men are being accused on social media...they have no way of really disputing any allegations...there's no way of vindicating themselves..._

_I mean, obviously any criminal actions are wrong...there is no excuse for any type of sexual assault...or harassment...but...some of the actions that's don't rise to the level of a crime...were some of them really awkward pick up attempts like that musician speculated? Was the guy trying to compliment a girl and didn't mean any harm?_

_I feel like the worst hypocrite..._ _**I** _ _know what it's like to not be believed...and here I am questioning other people..."_

" _No! Amanda, I totally understand...I've had so many of the same thoughts myself...and a couple of high profile men have committed suicide after allegations have been made... it feels a bit like I'm not sure of the rules anymore..._

_Every victim..."_

He stops and seems to completely shed his prosecutorial armour, donning the mantle of his own, carefully guarded feelings, leaving only the  **man** , standing before me.

" _Amanda, I've seen how hard it is for every man and woman who has the guts to come forward...I've imagined so many times how_ _ **I**_ _would deal with such a situation...I'm not sure I would have that strength. I cannot imagine how I would deal it...Every man or woman who makes an accusation **must**  be believed and helped...but I worry too, for the man who is mistaken for a rapist because he carries the same name that has been seen on Twitter...or someone whose clumsy attempt to comfort a friend or colleague leads to him being named and shamed on Facebook as some sort of predator...I worry that could be  **me**..."_

This powerful, confident, intelligent man admitting his own confusion, at the seemingly unending reverberations to a scandal, that started when one powerful tycoon was unmasked, calms me.

" _I feel like I'm letting everyone down...by not posting my own story, by not putting #MeToo on **my**  social media...It feels like I am part of the problem...like I want the silence..."_

" _Amanda, I saw you put your own feelings aside, to try to help Detective Taymore...you didn't wind up on that stand to help yourself, but to help her...and to prevent a predator from escaping justice. You have already proved your strength._

_I also worry that there is a sort of pressure associated with this campaign, as wonderful as it is. Not everyone is ready, or able to splash their experiences all over public forums...that is not to say that they are trying to hide...or trying to maintain the silence that surrounds any sort of sexual harassment, abuse or violence... I think, in it's purest form, #MeToo is a way to start the discussion...to tell everyone who has suffered any sort of bad treatment, abuse or violence that it is not okay...that they deserve better...that they are not the only ones, and that they have done nothing wrong because there is nothing they_ _**can** _ _do to make anything like that okay..."_

I nod along as he speaks, my teeth chewing on the corner of my mouth...

" _You have spent your entire professional life trying to make it possible for people to get help when they have been hurt like this..."_ he continues and it feels like perhaps this is more familiar ground for him...

" _So have you Barba!"_

He nods with a slight smile.

" _I am proud to say that I have been working towards that goal since I started in SVU."_

" _And you were brave enough to start this conversation with me...I really appreciate that gesture, it can't have been easy...I'm really grateful for how honest you have been with me..."_

He responds with a brief tip of his head as he stands, gathering up his sheaf of papers.

" _Why did you think this briefing was a waste of time?"_ I ask before I can think about the question...

" _Because briefing a squad of officers that deal with victims coming forward every day, with incredible grace and empathy, **is**  a waste of time. The briefing should have been  **this squad**  instructing  **1PP**  on what resources and manpower are needed to make a lasting difference...This squad should be the ones making decisions on how to ensure this social media campaign can be parlayed into real changes in how we, as a society see, and deal with sexual assault and harassment..._

_We can all make a difference, in **not**  blaming people when they disclose...even when the accused attacker is also someone known to us!...We can try not to assume that rape and sexual assault only happen to a certain type of person or in a certain type of situation...And those TV shows that cause a spike in reports of sexual violence when they feature a sexual assault,  **they**  make a difference...even when it seems the character that was assaulted is completely recovered by the next episode...because even that, gives survivors hope that life can return to some semblance of normal... and it shows survivors that they aren't the only ones..._

_This really is only the beginning of a very long, very intricate conversation..."_ he adds gently.

" _I guess so...but it is a good beginning!"_ I answer, feeling a lot better than I have in days.

After a moment's consideration, the Counselor is all business once more, as he reminds me he needs paperwork on a current case  _"to put the jerk away for a long time"._

I promise he will have it within the hour, and take a deep breath... _"I just have something I need to do first..."_

He closes the door with a small questioning smile.

Opening up my Facebook page I start typing...

**I wholly support the MeToo campaign; let's make the legacy of this bravery, a world where people are free to be who they are, where no one stands by and allows anyone to be discriminated against or be abused, mentally, verbally or physically. Not everyone is ready to share their story but that does not mean they are staying silent either...healing is a journey. #NoMore silence #NoMore abuse #NoMore shame!**

 


	3. The Silence Breakers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just couldn't find an end for this, and then reality did it for me, I felt it deserved the extra chapter....

**EPILOGUE**

The weeks pass by in a blur...we work as many hours as we are physically able to, trying to help and support the men and women who bravely find their way to us. We can't file cases for all of them, and there are many more who will never see any real justice...but we do what we can. No one who comes to us, leaves without lists of organisations that can help them in their recovery...everyone is listened to, and treated with respect, as they share their horror with us. And every one of those men and women astound us with their bravery.

One morning, as I stumble bleary-eyed to my desk after another night of too little sleep, I find a magazine sitting on my desk...

After looking around, and finding no explanation for its presence, or any clue as to who may have left it, I am about to throw it aside when a headline catches my eye...TIME magazine's  **PERSON OF THE YEAR:**   **The Silence Breakers; The voices that launched a movement** _._

It seems to take an inordinate amount of time to understand what I hold in my hand...

The hashtag that came into being so many years ago, that was thrust into the mainstream when a brave woman called an "untouchable" movie mogul to answer for his actions, has now morphed into a  **movement**...like the Civil Rights Movement, or the Gay Rights Movement...or even the Women's Rights Movement of so long ago...

#MeToo is no longer an issue of the week...it's not a flash in the pan campaign that goes nowhere...there are too many voices...too many stories to ignore...

There is a flutter of excitement in my stomach, Barba's worst fears have not been realised...maybe things can really change now!?

 _"I wanted you to have a copy when I saw it on the newstand this morning..."_ my partner announces as he places a coffee in front of me and rounds his own desk.

I look down to see my hands clasped to the periodical.  **I am holding a new piece of history in my hands.**

 _"You're one of those Silence Breakers, Amanda..."_ I hear Fin say.

I shake my head, looking at the familiar women who grace the glossy cover.

 _"You are!..."_ he insists,  _"...as is Liv...and I'm so proud to know both of you!"_

The familiar guilt gnaws away at me as he tries to include me with those brave women.

 _"I didn't, Fin...I_ _couldn't...I never posted my story...I never said "Me too"...I hid behind an inane "I support #MeToo"..."_

 _"Amanda, This **movement**  didn't start a few weeks ago, or even a few months or years ago...it has been built over decades...built on the foundation of every woman who ever tried to speak up when she was disrespected; every woman who tried to say "this is unacceptable _ _behaviour"; every woman who ever listened to, or helped a friend after an assault; every woman who ever told another woman it "was not her fault"; every woman who ever whispered to another "be careful of **him** "...Every one of those women has played a part in this victory..."_

I understand his logic...it is how I instinctively imagined Liv on that cover with those famous faces...but it feels  **wrong**  to include  **me**  with those venerated women... The  **me**  that hid behind the carefully chosen words of a Facebook post that said "I support MeToo", when what I should have said was "Me Too!"...

 _"And this huge step forward was also built on the men who were not afraid to stand with those women..."_ I say, wanting to remind him that his contribution to breaking down this stigma was not insignificant...nor was that of men like Munch, Capt. Cragen, Nick, Carisi or all of the others who started, or worked in squads like the one I am part of...

_"I still feel bad for not standing up, Fin. It feels like what I should do..."_

_"Amanda, you have done everything you should do...the only one who expects more, is you..."_

I look down at the magazine, at the importance of the headline...and try to accept his words...

_"I guess this may take a while to accept too...I'm just not ready...I hate it! I hate not being able to control it..."_

He just smiles at me...

I guess that's why the word tenacious fits me so well...I want to keep healing, I want to be able to share my story...and nothing is going to hold me back from doing that, even if I'm immensely frustrated that it can't be today...

I may not be the shining beacon of an example I wish I was...but as I would tell any man or woman coming in to report an assault to us,  _"You did what you had to!"..."You survived!"..."And things will get better!._ Maybe it's time I take my own advice...

My partner places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently, wordlessly showing his ever-present support.

I look at the magazine once more, the fingers of one hand brushing across its glossy cover, checking it is real...the guilt has receeded somewhat and I can just delight in the progress...it feels like a weight has been lifted...there are only two words running through my head and now they don't feel like a dirge, they don't only lament a horrible experience, they also reflect strength, and I will claim them as my own, in time... **"Me Too"**


End file.
